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| So yeah. I dont even know what to do. Rons like captin angry right now cleaning his gun and Im sitting here beside him just unknowing.
Like, does he even want me here or...? what? I dont know.
I guess Im just in a pickle. I dont even know what to say. What to I write. What am I allowed to write. I guess its a free world so I can write what I like but... I dont know. I dont wanna fuck this up more then it already is. I kinda feel like just rolling around and maybe cleaning. I guess its kinda like washing blood off your hands. Doesn't really help the situation but you feel like it might. (Shakespeare refrence. Lame.)
I guess I cant go though one day without fighting or feeling like shit. What do I say to him to maybe make this stop? Its like a top going crazy on this platform that decides happy or unhappy, fight or not fight. I guess I've kinda given up on the whole fighting thing. Though I feel right I guess there must be some kind of double standerd. As if I am God and thus I must run this relationship.
BAH, UGH and all those other words that people think are words and explain their feelings but dont exactly under any tone of the typing. (which for your information, doesn't convey feeling or tone through making the letters uppercase.
Bah.
| | |
| So I took a jump into a new place. Completely different and completely new.
I miss my friends so much. Its scary to say, but I even miss Alliston. I guess it wasn't that bad when I lived in Toronto because I knew in the back of my head, if I ever wanted to go, its only an hour away. But now its way to far. A days trip to be (most likely) yelled at and sent back home.
I miss Lacey soo much. I keep dreaming shes here and makes me feel so much better. I don't know what to do about it but sleep seems to be my happiest space right now. I feel like jumping on a plane and just flying home to see her.
Ohmygosh. Boti. I dreamed that he was beside me and I was crying because I was so home sick and he was talking to me and telling me everythings going to be fine. Which was nice.
Oh also, kinda weird but good news.
Not preggo. Repeat. NOT PREGGO. Got my period today and I feel much better about it. Though I do feel bloated and feel kinda sick all the time, I at least feel better that I'm not harvesting children inside me.
Weird way of thinking about it, I know. But it makes my world go round.
Anyways, I think Imma go and chill with Ronny now. Write.. Later.. Try and keep up more with this. Always makes me feel a bit better letting it off my chest without having people yell at me since I know no one reads this...
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| I'm moving to Halifax on either Monday or Tuesday...
Fun!
Yeah.. I'm really scared. The first time since all of this has started in which I've actually reconised my feelings about this. Ron's being really mean to Hope (the dog). I guess this all felt like it would never happen and when I agreed to it never knew what I was getting into. Now that its all falling together I feel like Im going to loose everything and regret all of this.
I'm really unsure what to be doing but I guess thats life.
Ron's already sucked down one beer and going for another... Then bar hopping. Epicness.
I think I might cry and roll on the ground for a while. Im so unsure what to do.
My ties are breaking and everything is falling apart.
Life is like a roman statue. Looks like it will keep forever
But it never truely does.
I wish I had a glass ball to see into the future. | | |
| March 1st I turn 19 and I had this wonderful plan. I was going to have a friend down from Montreal and have him stay in my living room and have a small party of drinking and what not at my friends house.
This was smashed in a matter of days. Im not even kidding.
If you don't believe me when I say everything seems to happen in three's, keep reading and you'll understand.
#1.
Fights for the whole family.
So my mom came into my room yelling at me to get a job and get out of bed and clean everything and yeah, it sounds really childish but understand this.
I have 3 disc herenations and this crazy thing called fibermyalga. (both aren't spelled correctly.) This means Im in constant pain, dont get a lot of sleep and when I do sleep, its not for a long time. So Im sorry that Im still in bed at 11. Ohmygod. Call People Magazine.
Seriously Mom. Get a life.
So basicly it comes down to me moving out for a few days because she just can't speak to me normally, she has to yell.
#1.5
SLEEP OVERRR
So sleep overs are always fun except when you dont have friends and you're staying at a guys house who sleeps on a futon.
#2
Boyfriends suck. Seriously. Don't do it.
So I get an e-mail from my ex whom Im trying to be civil with and he asks me "Are you pregnet?".
SERIOUSLY? Oh my god. So I e-mailed him back saying no I'm not and asking where he got that thought from. He comes back with "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I was just thinking maybe it would be ours. Wishful thinking I guess."
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
No seriously. Go fuck yourself.
I've held onto my tongue for so long. I just wanna lash out at him but I dont want to hear from him again and I know if I contact him, He'll e-mail back.
#3
I hate to say it, but I told you so.
So my moms remarried and she was just told that her husband, Marco wants a divorce. So now when I was ready to go home, I can't because my moms sleeping in my room and Marcos sleeping in his. So now I dont even have a home. I have to decide to either get a job and stay with my mom and get into fights or get a job and try and find a roommate. I honestly dont know what to do.
My moms hurting so badly and I dont know what to do to help her.
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So basicly, life sucks. this all decided to happen in like...4 days. I wish I was kidding. I really do. | | |
| So Im beyond depressed. I kinda just wanna go sit on some rocks and look at the lake for a while.
Its cold though and Im just getting over being sick.
I have like... an ass load of work to do in english, I have to finish two novels (All family's are psychotic and The Stone Angel) and both books, Im like around half way though.. This has to be done by Friday for the test I have and then I have to have a time line for Stone Angel for Thursday and this just sucks. Like honestly. Sucks.
I'm also getting an assignment separate from the classes work to try and pull up my grade... I guess thats good but its not cool... I don't want more on my plate...
Also, I have a feeling this week I'm going to get a shit load of work from my first class (which I love but its still time consuming). Its this whole class about the law and the media and stuff. Its pretty awesome.
I guess Im not overly booked but its just.. I DONT WANNA... and Im acting like a baby and its just to much.. Maybe I can get an extenction on my work and try and do it on another day. Gosh I hope so. | | |
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